The 18th-century observation later confirmed by science

When  Ben Franklin sought to transform an adversary into a supporter, he  turned to an unusual approach. He later described it in his  autobiography as an old maxim.

In 1969, researchers would confirm his maxim. Today, we call it “The Ben Franklin Effect.”

I’d  first heard of it during a sales training years ago, and would learn  more about it from Franklin’s autobiography. In it, he writes a story  about an adversary of his in the Pennsylvania legislature.

Franklin  wished to befriend or at least neutralize this adversary, so Ben asked  him for a favor — to borrow a rare book. The adversary sent it, and  Franklin returned it a week later with a note expressing his gratitude.  When they next spoke, it was with great civility, a departure from their  previous encounters. In time, they became lifelong friends.

He summed it up this way.

He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged — Ben Franklin

Okay,  a bit too 18th century, so I’ll modernize his quote. In short, logic  suggests that if you do someone a favor, they’ll reciprocate. Not so,  according to the theory. You are more likely to receive a favor from  someone if they have already done one for you.

Cognitive dissonance explains why it works.

Let’s  suppose you perform a favor for someone to whom you feel indifferent  towards, or maybe even dislike. You now experience dissonance, an  inconsistency between your belief and your action, which you must  resolve. I just went out of my way to do a favor for this jerk. Why?

Your mind reaches for harmony between the two, so you alter your beliefs to fit your action. Eh, he’s not all bad. Actually pretty cool at times. It’s  far easier to convince yourself you like the other person than it is to  reason away your action or pretend it never happened. And since we do  favors for people we like, we’re more likely to grant additional ones.

The  possibility of using this technique intoxicated me. I’ve always  suffered from a lack of charisma and have struggled with meeting new  people. I was eager to try out this strategy, not to manipulate others,  but to improve my likability.

The hard truth about the “Ben Franklin Effect.”

Sorry,  but you can’t go around asking people to do you favors and expect them  to oblige. You might even annoy a shit-ton of folks. But that doesn’t  mean you can’t employ the essence of what Franklin observed centuries  ago.

If  you read over the snippet about Franklin’s original request, you might  notice the second factor at play. It wasn’t just a favor that he asked;  it was a special kind, one that probably evoked a feeling of pride in  his adversary.

Franklin’s  adversary took great pride in his rare book collection. By asking to  borrow from it, Franklin validated his adversary’s passion. He  implicitly stated, “You have excellent taste and judgment in books.”

That  kind of validation generates warmth and appreciation. It’s hard to  avoid liking someone who compliments you on your excellence, passion, or  taste.

A strategy to enhance your likability

Like  most techniques to improve your interpersonal relationships, you need  to put in effort on the backend before you execute on the frontend.

1. Learn about the people you wish to befriend

Pay  attention to the subtle clues people drop in their conversations. What  skills do they pride themselves in? What passions do they pursue? Ask  questions to learn more about their likes and interests. Pay attention  to the things they speak of most. You’ll discover what’s important to  them.

By acquiring this information, you can seek small favors in a way that validates their passions and abilities.

2. Ask for a targeted favor

Ask  for a favor that’s easy to deliver but meaningful for you to receive.  Don’t put someone in an uncomfortable position. Never ask someone to do  you a favor when you should be paying them for their work. That’s a  surefire strategy to make you unlikable.

By  acquiring the right knowledge in step one, you’ll attune yourself to  opportunities as they arise. You only need to pay attention to the  subtle cues.

Perhaps  an acquaintance of yours touts their chops as a foodie. She boasts  about her connections with local restaurants. Since you have a date  night planned with your partner, an opportunity presents itself.

You need a restaurant. Call that foodie acquaintance of yours. Ask her for a favor.

“I have a special dinner planned for Friday,” you say. “I need to pick the perfect place. Can you do me a favor and help me?”

If  she prides herself in this sort of thing, she’ll appreciate that you  recognize her expertise. And since the ask is simple, she’ll oblige. She  may even offer to set up the reservation with her contact.

3. The gratitude sandwich

Always  express gratitude once the favor completes. Start with a sincere thank  you. Include a sentence about how it benefitted you or what it meant to  you. Sandwich it with a closing, thank you.

“Thank  you for getting us into that restaurant. It was an unforgettable  evening. My partner can’t stop talking about it. Thanks again. I  appreciate your help.”

Avoid saying something like, I owe you one, or I’ll make it up to you. That makes it transactional. Friends do things for each other out of kindness; they don’t enter into transactions.

Ben  Franklin made a lifelong friend when he asked an adversary to borrow a  book. Simply asking people for favors won’t make you more likable. It  might even make them resent you.

Instead,  learn about people’s passions and interests. Ask for a targeted favor  when the opportunity arises. And always remember to express gratitude in  a way that demonstrates how much it meant to you.

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